Covering Harsh Words with Love

“The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18, AMP)

“Evildoers are trapped by their sinful talk, and so the innocent escape trouble. From the fruit of their lips people are filled with good things, and the work of their hands brings them reward.” (Proverbs 12:13-14, AMP)
 

Few things are as unique to the human experience as putting your foot in your mouth. Sometimes we do it unintentionally, carelessly. Other times, we lash out aiming to do the most amount of damage as is verbally possible. We all have the tendency and the propensity to do it, especially when not leaning on the Holy Spirit to temper our emotions.

And yes, I am also speaking to myself.

And while all are equally at fault for being reckless over the harshness of our words, the Christian is more accountable for the diligence or lack thereof of their words. The Lord requires us to be gentle and good with our speech— and there are so many ways we can veer off the paths of righteousness when it comes to our language. 

Not only should we not gossip, not only should we not lie, or curse— but we should also not be harsh with how we speak. 

I fell short in this just this week; hurting someone particularly close to me with the thoughtlessness of my words. And the negligence caused unnecessary strife. Since then, I’ve been praying about the interaction and asking God to show me how to course correct. How can I snap myself out of it when my mouth is running me off the rails before the damage is done? Where can I apply more of God’s wisdom so my mind reaches for softer words to communicate when my flesh is steering the faulty rudder that is my tongue?

Proverbs 12:18 reminds us that words can pierce the heart of others. They are like weapons. Just like you wouldn’t take a broad sword and wave it around in a crowded room because it’s dangerous, we cannot haphazardly say whatever we want when we feel inclined to. The tongue of the wise doesn’t wound; it brings healing. That means the words we address others with aren’t poised to hurt or even brush off; they give life because they have been meditated over and come from a source that is exercised in the restraint of the Holy Spirit. 

So how do we start to practice that Spirit-driven self control?

Proverbs offers us further wisdom here. The first thing we can apply to our communication style is to pause before we say something, especially when we feel negative emotion rising within us. “Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life, he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin” (Proverbs 13:3, ESV). “Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent” (Proverbs 11:12, ESV).

Does anger rise within us when a certain subject arises? Does despondency or disheartenment come over us that would cause our language to harshen? We should take this as a sign to stop before we continue speaking. Nowadays, we don’t have every conversation face-to-face. We text and message, which gives us the luxury of taking a beat in our response. If the only response we can come up with has potential to pierce or wound, then not responding is an option. There is wisdom in letting something go, if the other option is to belittle or cause ruin between you and someone else. 

But what about situations where conversation is face-to-face? Where social pressures don’t give us the ability to process? When I reflect on interactions that get contentious, or areas where my grip on self control over my words starts to slip, that harshness is almost always a cover for a deeper emotion.

Anger, frustration, disappointment– these things are almost always tethered to a deeper root. When we feel them, it should be an indication that we need to dig. Why am I feeling the temptation to slice with my words? Is there something here that is hurting me, so I feel the flesh-reaction to dole out some hurt myself? Am I disappointed over something in this conversation? Am I tired, hungry, or not feeling well? What is causing this reaction in me? 

And many times, I’ve found that being brave and communicating the root cause tempting me to such bitterness is the best way forward. And not only communicating the cause itself, but being sure to communicate it calmly and in love. “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses” (Proverbs 10:12, ESV). Open, honest communication spoken in love is the best way to let the other party know you’re struggling, why you’re struggling, and often provides an in-road for that person to help you come to a healthy resolution.

Love covers all offenses. This means that the love of God is a love that transcends, forgives, and does not harp on faults helps us to overlook those things that would normally divide us, ruin relationships, and cause harshness that wounds others. God’s love brings people together, heals, and speaks in truth. It irons out our disgruntlement and harshness. It helps us to deal gently with one another in understanding and contentment.

So, there are a few places we can mentally prepare ourselves to either let go and remain silent, or dig deeper and communicate bravely: be aware of the subjects that set us off and the people that frustrate us. We already know the situations that are going to drive us nuts at work, at home, in church, or recreation. And most of the time, we know the personalities in our lives that rub us the wrong way, whether it’s a boss, your mother, your mother in law, an acquaintance, or a colleague. Taking the time to assess and ask God to give us more love in those places and with those people will go a long way.

Ask God to give you more grace when harshness tries to take over. Ask Him to show you the best way forward, and that His Holy Spirit would give you not only the strength and the desire to walk in a way that glorifies Him but to give you the words that will encourage His love to be on display through the interaction.

After all, we deserve the harshness of God. We deserve the full extent of His disappointment and judgment. But walking in His ways and by His righteousness means He has forgiven us. If God can do it, so can we. If we truly have His Spirit living in our hearts, then we can make strides to tame our tongues and speak in His love.

When we live in His grace and in a better understanding of all that entails for us, we can start to confront sin within us that feels insurmountable. “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace” (James 3:17-18, ESV). Our speech should be all of those things, and the goal– as with all things that we must reform when we walk by faith– should be to bear good fruit. Our tongues have great potential to bear that fruit and reap spiritual rewards that not only bless us, but those around us who need that encouragement to continue being righteous.